With a friend we can be still and know that God is there with both of us

“A friend is more than a therapist or confessor, even though a friend can sometimes heal us and offer us God's forgiveness. A friend is that other person with whom we can share our solitude, our silence, and our prayer. A friend is that other person with whom we can look at a tree and say, "Isn't that beautiful," or sit on the beach and silently watch the sun disappear under the horizon. With a friend we don't have to say or do something special. With a friend we can be still and know that God is there with both of us.” 

― Henri J.M. Nouwen

No Prayer is Lost

"No prayer is lost. Praying breath was never spent in vain. There is no such thing as prayer unanswered or unnoticed by God, and some things that we count refusals or denials are simply delays." —H. Bonar

A Small & Hidden Corner

“We have probably wondered in our many lonesome moments if there is one corner in this competitive, demanding world where it is safe to be relaxed, to expose ourselves to someone else, and to give unconditionally. It might be very small and hidden, but if this corner exists, it calls for a search through the complexities of our human relationships in order to find it.” 
~ Henri J.M. Nouwen

Perfect

http://www.danoah.com/2010/10/and-we-wonder-why-perfection-is-such.html

And we wonder why “Perfection” is such a problem.

BY DAN PEARCE · CATEGORIES: RANTING, WHINING OR BOTH, READ, THINK, DEBATE, THAT'S LIFE

Thankfully, this post was written to less than 0.05% of you, and yet it still needs to be said. To the overwhelming majority of you, thank you for your incredibleness. Thank you for taking yesterday’s post (click here to read it if you haven’t) in the spirit and perspective in which it was intended. More than 100,000 people visited the post in its first day, a new record here at SDL.

Everybody else. Put away your halos. And please, put away your pitch forks while you’re at it.

First of all, I do not apologize for or take back anything that I wrote in yesterday’s post. That post is perhaps the most powerful and honest work I have ever written. I actually wrote that piece before the “Perfection” piece, and two days ago when I reread it, its power unexpectedly overtook me. I wept for the better part of fifteen minutes (for some reason I’ve been really weepy the last few months!) as I thought of all my own and very many imperfections.

You see, I’d all but forgotten about that post, and I certainly had forgotten all that I had written in my frustration and anger that day. So when I reread it, I felt like I was reading words that somebody else had written.

The words I read were simply written from a desperate dad’s heart, and were nothing more than a personal and genuine plea for all dads to stand up and be who they should be.

But that’s not what I want to discuss today.

To those of you who commented and viciously attacked the man I wrote about… Did you not readThe disease called “Perfection”?

What I wrote about this man was actually very kind, given the true circumstances. What I actually saw that day, was blatant child abuse. What I actually witnessed was a father who used horrible profanity against his child, purposefully inflicted substantial physical pain to his child, and purposefully broke his child of all happiness. What I actually saw that day, was a child who’s father hated him.

And that broke my heart.

And that made me hate myself for not doing anything. For not saying anything.

And that is why I wrote the piece.

But that doesn’t matter.

I left out the true horribleness of the situation because I very specifically didn’t want this to turn into a witch hunt.

To those very few of you who turned it into just that… Did you not read The disease called “Perfection”?

This man is still our brother. This man is a human being. This man did something absolutely abhorrent that day, but did you ever once hear me actually attack this man in my post yesterday? Did you ever hear me call him the spawn of Satan or declare that he should be castigated or destroyed?

All you read was a list of events that occurred.

The worst you got from me was a statement that I was agitated and confused, followed by a list of questions wondering how he couldn’t see in his child what I could see in mine.

And the thing that frustrates me the most, is that this post wasn’t about the father at all.

This post was about the boy.

This post was about all of our kids.

This post was about love.

And frankly, that’s all I’m going to say about it. For those of you who said horrible things about this man, go read the “Perfection” post and see if you feel the same way when you’re done. For those of you who simultaneously raised your halo and your pitchfork against this man, go read the “Perfection” post.

Because I am that man. And you are that man. And every person here is that man. Our sin may not be child abuse, but we are all full of secrets, and insecurities, and imperfections. That’s the point of the “Perfection” piece.

All you read yesterday was a list of events that occurred. The judgments came from a handful of the readers below. And somehow, at the end of the day, the opinions and judgments of some readers was placed on me.

Yesterday’s post was not to lift myself up on some pedestal. It was about change. It was about love. It was about the tender hearts I constantly see being broken inside of our children.

I am so full of fault. And my heart now breaks for that man as much as it broke for his child because this all goes to show the very problem that “Perfection” is in this world.

[sigh] I had something funny planned for today. Check back later, I may still post it. I just felt a need to discuss the serious mud slinging that was going on yesterday.

Oh, and to the nine or ten people who sent me the most horrible hate mail you could imagine, I think you should go read the “Perfection” post as well. Because, while your words don’t define me, they can hurt my feelings.

That being said, thank you to the more than 1,300 people in the last 24 hours who sent the most amazing and encouraging messages and comments you could imagine. Yesterday’s piece wasbeautiful. Yesterday’s piece was a message that needs to be shared. Yesterday’s piece will give some kids their dads and moms back. I know, because I’ve received at least 40 emails now telling me just that. At least 40 mothers or fathers have written-in and told me that yesterday’s post has stirred them to serious change. And that was in the first 24 hours.

So again, I do not apologize for it. Not one… little… bit.

In fact, I’m going to be bold and simply say, “you’re welcome”.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing

PS, if yesterday’s post affected you in a positive way, please share a comment below telling us allhow.

5:30 AM runs are for this

One step at a time.

There is nothing easy about change.  Like this article says, flat abs & amazing sex - while ideal, i'm sure - have clearly not been something that fix the world and all it's problems.  What will be enough?  When will enough be enough?  Why can't we - why can't I - be happy?
   In moments and when i'm true to myself and my God - when I am with Him, following Him; KNOW Him - I AM happy.  And really, that is the one step.  One step forward.  Again, and again, and again. One step at a time.  Find your joy.  Pursue it.  Don't look back.

Still, these thoughts below are solid.  Red highlights are my favs/hit closest to home:
1. Stop believing your bullshit.
2. Be happy now.
3. Look at the stars.
4. Let people in.
5. Stop with the crazy making.
6. Learn to apologize.
7. Practice gratitude.
8. Be kind.
----------------------------
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kate-bartolotta/happiness-tips_b_3956114.html

Kate Bartolotta

Owner and founder, Be You Media Group

How to Get Flat Abs, Have Amazing Sex and Rule the World in 8 Easy Steps

The covers of most men's and women's magazines have similar headlines: "Get Great Abs" and "Have Amazing Sex."

From the looks of it, these two issues have been recycled over and over (with some other stereotypically gender-relevant articles thrown in) on every Men's Health, Maxim,Cosmopolitan and Glamour cover since the dawn of time. In fact, I'd bet that if we could get a better translation of cave drawings, they would read something like "Grok get flat belly. Make girl Grok moan with joy."

And we keep buying them. We keep buying this lie that these things will make us happy. I've had washboard abs (past tense) and I've had some pretty phenomenal sex. Neither one made me a better person. Neither one completed me or made my life more fulfilling.

We chase this idea of "I will be happy when... "

I will be happy when I have a new car. I will be happy when I get married. I will be happy when I get a better job. I will be happy when I lose five pounds. What if instead we choose to be happy -- right now?

If you can read this, your life is pretty awesome.

Setting aside our first-world problems and pettiness, if you are online reading this, you have both electricity and WiFi or access to them. Odds are you are in a shelter of some sort, or on a smart phone (and then kudos to you for reading this on the go). Life might bump and bruise us, it may not always go the way we plan and I know I get frustrated with mine, but here's the thing: You are alive.

Because you are alive, everything is possible. So about those eight tips...

1. Stop believing your bullshit.

All that stuff you tell yourself about how you are a commitment phobe or a coward or lazy or not creative or unlucky? Stop it. It's bullshit, and deep down you know it. We are all insecure 14 year olds at heart. We're all scared. We all have dreams inside of us that we've tucked away because somewhere along the line we tacked on those ideas about who we are that buried that essential brilliant, childlike sense of wonder. The more we stick to these scripts about who we are, the longer we live a fraction of the life we could be living. Let it go. Be who you are beneath the bullshit.

2. Be happy now.

Not because The Secret says so. Not because of some shiny happy Oprah crap. But because we can choose to appreciate what is in our lives instead of being angry or regretful about what we lack. It's a small, significant shift in perspective. It's easier to look at what's wrong or missing in our lives and believe that is the big picture -- but it isn't. We can choose to let the beautiful parts set the tone.

3. Look at the stars.

It won't fix the economy. It won't stop wars. It won't give you flat abs, or better sex or even help you figure out your relationship and what you want to do with your life. But it's important. It helps you remember that you and your problems are both infinitesimally small and conversely, that you are a piece of an amazing and vast universe. I do it daily -- it helps.

4. Let people in.

Truly. Tell people that you trust when you need help, or you're depressed -- or you're happy and you want to share it with them. Acknowledge that you care about them and let yourself feel it. Instead of doing that other thing we sometimes do, which is to play it cool and pretend we only care as much as the other person has admitted to caring, and only open up half way. Go all in -- it's worth it.

5. Stop with the crazy making.

I got to a friend's doorstep the other day, slightly breathless and nearly in tears after getting a little lost, physically and existentially. She asked what was wrong and I started to explain and then stopped myself and admitted, "I'm being stupid and have decided to invent lots of problems in my head." Life is full of obstacles; we don't need to create extra ones. A great corollary to this one is from The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz: Don't take things personally. Most of the time, other people's choices and attitudes have absolutely nothing to do with you. Unless you've been behaving like a jerk, in which case...

6. Learn to apologize.
Not the ridiculous, self-deprecating apologizing for who you are and for existing that some people seem to do (what's up with that, anyway?). The ability to sincerely apologize -- without ever interjecting the word "but" -- is an essential skill for living around other human beings. If you are going to be around other people, eventually you will need to apologize. It's an important practice.

7. Practice gratitude.

Practice it out loud to the people around you. Practice it silently when you bless your food. Practice it often. Gratitude is not a first world only virtue. I saw a photo recently, of a girl in abject poverty, surrounded by filth and destruction. Her face was completely lit up with joy and gratitude as she played with a hula hoop she'd been given. Gratitude is what makes what we have enough. Gratitude is the most basic way to connect with that sense of being an integral part of the vastness of the universe; as I mentioned with looking up at the stars, it's that sense of wonder and humility, contrasted with celebrating our connection to all of life.

8. Be kind.

Kurt Vonnegut said it best (though admittedly, and somewhat ashamedly -- I am not a Vonnegut fan): "There's only one rule that I know of, babies -- 'God damn it, you've got to be kind.'"

Kindness costs us nothing and pays exponential dividends. I can't save the whole world. I can't bring peace to Syria. I can't fix the environment or the health care system, and from the looks of it, I may end up burning my dinner.

But I can be kind.

If the biggest thing we do in life is to extend love and kindness to even one other human being, we have changed the world for the better.

That's a hell of a lot more important than flat abs in my book.

Perfect Gone Wrong

http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html

The disease called “Perfection”

BY DAN PEARCE · CATEGORIES: POPULAR POSTS, READ, THINK, DEBATE

JUMP TO PAGE: 1 2 3

As a warning, the following post was written in complete desperation. I have recently learned some very sobering truths from people that I love dearly. These truths have set in motion a quest within me to do whatever I can to make a change. Today is not geared at funny. Today is geared at something much greater.

I have to wonder. Am I the only one aware that there is an infectious mental disease laying siege on us as individuals right now? There is a serious pandemic of “Perfection” spreading, and it needs to stop. Hear me out because this is something for which I have passionately and constantly hurt. It’s a sickness that I’ve been trying to put into words for years without much success. It’s a sickness that I have personally struggled with. It’s a sickness that at times has left me hiding in dark corners and even hating myself.

And chances are it’s hit you too.

What is the disease called ”Perfection”? Perhaps a list of its real-life symptoms will help you better understand it.

We live in communities where people feel unconquerable amounts of pressure to always appear perfectly happy, perfectly functional, and perfectly figured. “Perfection” is much different than perfectionism. The following examples of “Perfection” are all real examples that I have collected from experiences in my own life, from confidential sources, or from my circle of loved ones and friends. If you actually stop to think about some of these, you will probably cry as I admittedly did while writing it. If you don’t, maybe you’re infected with a little too much of this ”Perfection” infection.

“Perfection” is a wife who feels trapped in a marriage to a lazy, angry, small man, but at soccer practice tells the other wives how wonderful her husband always is. “Perfection” keeps people from telling the truth, even to themselves. My husband is adorable. He called me a whore this week because I smiled at a stranger. When I started crying, he said he had a game to go watch. I love him so much.

“Perfection” is a husband who is belittled, unappreciated, and abused by his wife, yet works endlessly to make his marriage appear incredible to those who surround him at the water cooler. ”Perfection” really does keep people from being real about the truth.  You would have laughed, guys. She said that I suck at my job and will never go anywhere in life. Then she insinuated that I was a fat, rotting pile of crap. Isn’t she the best?

“Perfection” is a daughter with an eating disorder that keeps it hidden for years because she doesn’t want to be the first among her family and friends to be imperfect. She would give anything to confront it, but she can’t because then the “Perfect” people would hate her as much as she hates herself for it.

“Perfection” is when a son has a forbidden addiction, and despises himself for it. “Perfection” makes us believe that nobody else could understand what it is like to be weak and fall prey to the pressures of the world.

“Perfection” is a man who loathes himself for feeling unwanted attraction toward other men.

“Perfection” is a couple drowning in debt, but who still agree to that cruise with their friends because the words “we don’t have the money” are impossible ones to push across their lips.

“Perfection” is a mom hating herself because she only sees that every other mom around her is the perfect mother, the perfect wife, and the perfect neighbor. I’d give anything to be Mrs. Jones. Today she ran 34 miles, cooked six complete meals, participated in a two-hour activity with each of her seven children, hosted a marriage class with her husband, and still had time to show up at the popular table for Bunco. What this mom doesn’t know is that Mrs. Jones is also at home crying right now because the pressure to remain “Perfect” never lets up.

“Perfection” is a dad hating himself because he can’t give the same thing to his kids that other dads do, and then hates himself further because he takes his self-loathing out on his kids behind closed doors. You know what would have been nice? If you were never born. Do you realize how much money I’d have right now? Now come give Daddy a hug because I can force you to give me validation.

“Perfection” is a child hating herself because the boys at school call her fat, and when she goes home she tells her mom that school was fine. Her mom never stops to question why her daughter doesn’t have any friends, because her mom doesn’t want to think that anything might be less than “Perfect” when it comes to her child.

“Perfection” is a man feeling like a smaller man because his neighbor just pulled in with a new boat.

“Perfection” is a woman who is so overwhelmed that she thinks about killing herself daily. “Perfection” makes it so that she never will because of the things people will think if she does.How could I make my suicide look like an accident? If I kill myself, I don’t want anybody knowing that I ever had any problems. She never stops to look at why she wants to do it, because healing means admitting imperfection.

“Perfection” is a man who everybody heralds as perfect, and inside he is screaming to be seen as the faulty human being that he always has been. Because to no longer be “the perfect one”, thatwould be freeing.

“Perfection” is a woman having an affair because she’s too afraid to confront the imperfection in her marriage.

“Perfection” is a twelve-year-old boy killing himself because he is ashamed that he can’t stop masturbating.

Stop, and read that one again.

There is a twelve-year-old boy buried 20 miles from where I sit because the “Perfection” that has infected the people around him infected him to the point that he deemed his own life worthless. “Perfection” pushed him to take his own life over something most of us would consider negligible in the life of any teenage boy.

“Perfection” is my friend’s cousin swallowing hundreds of pills because she just got the news that she was pregnant, out of wedlock, and the shame was too much to bear. She was only attempting to cause a miscarriage. 24 hours later, she closed her eyes and never opened them again. She isdead because of the “Perfection” infecting those around her. We’d rather you die than shame this family. Thanks for taking care of that, honey. By the way, we’ll do the right thing and make ourselves out to be the victims now. We have to. We can’t appear as anything less than perfect.

I could go on. This is all a small sampling of the disease called “Perfection”. You have brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, extended family members, neighbors, friends, and children who are ALL these things, yet none of us will ever know. “Perfection” is a hideous monster with a really beautiful face. And chances are you’re infected, at least to some degree. The good news is, there is a cure.

Be real.

Embrace that you have weakness. Because everyone does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody’s is. Embrace that you have things you can’t control. We all have a list of them.

Here’s your wake-up call:

You aren’t the only one who feels worthless sometimes.

You aren’t the only one who took your frustrations out on your children today.

You aren’t the only one who isn’t making enough money to support your lifestyle.

You aren’t the only one who has questions and doubts about your religion.

You aren’t the only one who sometimes says things that really hurt other people.

You aren’t the only one who feels trapped in your marriage.

You aren’t the only one who gets down and hates yourself and you can’t figure out why.

You aren’t the only one that questions your sexual orientation.

You aren’t the only one who hates your body.

You aren’t the only one that can’t control yourself around food.

Your husband is not the only husband who’s addiction sends him online for his sexual fulfillment instead of to you.

Your wife is not the only wife that is mean and vindictive and makes you hate yourself.

Why didn’t somebody, anybody, put their arm around that 12-year old boy and let him know that they loved him and would always love him? What was he being told and taught that he would end his own life over something that almost no teenager can control? Maybe that beautiful and wonderful boy would still be alive if even one person had broken down the “Perfection” that completely controlled all those in his life from whom he desperately craved validation.

Why didn’t somebody, anybody, tell a beautiful pregnant girl that there was nothing so big in life that it couldn’t be made right. Maybe that incredible young woman would still be alive. Maybe her now one-year-old child would be learning to walk or say “Mommy” right now. Maybe she could have made her same choice about whether to have the baby or not in a way that wouldn’t have killed her. Maybe.

Maybe.

The cure is so simple.

Be real.

Be bold about your weaknesses and you will change people’s lives. Be honest about who you actually are, and others will begin to be their actual selves around you. Once you cure yourself of the disease, others will come to you, asking if they can just “talk.” People are desperate to talk. Some of the most “perfect” people around you will tell you of some of the greatest struggles going on. Some of the most “perfect” people around you will break down in tears as they tell you how difficult life is for them. Turns out some of the most “perfect” people around us are human beings after all, and are dying to talk to another human being about it.

You’ll love them for it. And you’ll love yourself even more.

Let’s not forget this quote: “I went out to find a friend and could not find one there. I went out to be a friend, and friends were everywhere.” Somebody who is being a friend doesn’t spread “Perfection”. Somebody who is being a friend spreads “Real”. Then, and only then, can we all grow together.

I am not perfect, nor do I want anybody to think of me as such. Here’s my dose of real:

I once stole a box of money that was meant for a child with cancer. There was more than $150 inside. That was 12 years ago, and I still hate the person in me that did that.

I believe in God, but not religion. It took me 30 years to find the courage to say that. It took me 30 years to believe that I could be a good man and still believe that.

I once got so angry at my wife that I hit the wall. The dent is still there, haunting me every time I see it because I never thought that was something I would do.

I once sat in my bedroom crying uncontrollably because I felt like everybody thought I was fat and ugly. I was a full grown man.

There are some people I avoid bumping into in public because I feel like I’ll never be as good as them.

I judge people harshly who share the same features that I hate about myself.

Sometimes I’m sad. Sometimes I’m not funny. Sometimes I just want to be alone. Sometimes I stay at home on a weekend because I just don’t want to see the “Perfection” going on around me. Sometimes I want to drop-kick a perfect person’s head across the room.

Sigh.

“Perfection” infects every corner of society. It infects our schools. It infects neighborhoods. It infects our workplaces. This is not to say that there aren’t a lot of genuinely, happy people. I am one of those people. Most of the time. There is nothing more beautiful than a person finding true happiness in who they are and what they believe.

No, this is not me trying to diminish the happiness in others.

This is merely me pathetically attempting to put a face on a problem that I see everywhere but few people ever seem to notice.

This is me, brought to a humble place as I write, asking the good people of the world to find somebody to put their arm around and be “real”. This is me, wishing that people would realize how beautiful they are, even with all of their imperfections. This is me, sad and desperate for the people in this world to love themselves. This is me, a very imperfect man, trying to help others feel a little more perfect by asking all of you to act a little less perfect.

Will you help me spread “Real”? Tell all of us below just how perfect you aren’t. You never know who might be alive tomorrow because you were real today. You never know who needs to feel like they aren’t alone in their inability to be perfect. Even if you comment as an anonymous guest, please comment. Tell us what you struggle with. Tell a sad or dark secret. Get vulnerable. Get real. Let’s see if we can get 1,000 people showing the world that we’re not defined by perfection.

And please, please please share this post. If you want the people around you to start being real, you have to be real first.

Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing